On a down day...

So, I try to write my blog in the most positive of moods.  But it would be misconceiving of me if I didn't tell you what it was like on a down day.

Blind panic.
I want to shut my eyes to it all and it might go away.  Except it won't and I am a god damn adult now who has to sort out this mess (that we got ourselves into) how ever we can.  Otherwise we loose everything.  Sometimes its too big to  think about it.

We are supposed to be moving into the attic in 3 weeks and that is immense pressure.  The stairs to the attic have collapsed, meaning you have to double step upwards teetering dangerously to avoid being stabbed my the metal gypliners that we are using to insulate every nook and cranny of the outside walls.

The work in the attic is so slow, especially when I am an utter eejit at it,  Can't cut plasterboard in a straight line, not strong enough to lift a sheet of celotex and a cack hand with a drill.  So after I've mis-screwed some screws into the side of the plasterboard, missed the wood its supposed to be screwed to behind it and wrecked the plasterboard edges,  I then throw the drill and walk off.  Into another derelict room where I blankly stare, wondering how the hell we'll ever afford to furnish it, heat it, decorate it.

All this is on one of the days Arthur is in Nursery and those days are the days that feel like my days off.  Just the pleasure of being able to make a Sandwich without being interrupted to stop him banging the glass doors with his toys, or from poking his fingers up the dogs nose/bum, or to retrieve the hot cross bun he's just stuffed behind the radiators.

I feel like a total failure on these days and I avoid make-up because that means looking in the mirror.  I wish I was happy with taking the easier route.  I remember saying before we moved that we had to leave London beacuse we couldn't afford another bedroom.  How on earth does that jump to needing an extra three?!

On these days I buy chocolate and get under the duvet.  Which is where I am now writing this post.

My blog is my diary and it has been a very hard few weeks.  I've doubted the entire project, and my mental health.  It is the most frightening task we have ever undertaken and our initial enthusiasm has been worn down by extra cost, winter and sickness.

Now - today is not like that. So please don't worry.  We are back on the horse and fighting fit!
The purpose of writing this post is so I don't look back in 20 years and think it was easy -
I worry that one day we might think...
'Oh Let's retire in France and buy a knackered Chateau.'  Try and do it all again, but with weary bones and a different language.  Just to spice things up a bit, 'cos that Dursley thing was easy!
This is a note to my 60 year old self.
Today - Gary is home from London and holding the whole thing together (as he always does) with his positivity and drive and it's rubbing off on me. 
We have a strict written plan to get us into the attic and I'm buying carpet. 
The daffodils are coming up and things are feeling alive again. 
I have no doubt we can do this today, and do it well.
I'll let you know if we make it into the attic.  I'm going to be a little busy until the end of the month.